8 simple rules to get ahead in life

The 4 main characters in this election all have the potential to be role models. They all hold an office of one sort or another. They are expected to be able to play well with others (running with scissors is optional). They should be honest, upright, fair and generous individuals. They should be such that we would be proud to not only have them running our country, but to be a neighbor and a friend. Someone that could teach our children how to do well in life without resorting to underhanded behavior. So that makes me wonder - what are the kids of today seeing in this election? What life lessons can be taken away for our future generations to live by?

1. Fear and hate are ok. Don't happen to like your opponent? That's ok! Use their race, their charitable works, and their background against them in any way possible. And if that isn't enough to get the results you want, then please - feel free to make people feel like associating with them could potentially be dangerous and/or harmful. Always a good trump card! Just make sure to focus on things that will get people all het up and emotional, and potentially cause riots and threats to life and limb...when you've got them shouting "Kill", then you are well on your way to being successful.

2. Lying is admirable and to be repeated as often as possible. And if someone has the temerity to point out to you that said lies are false (and even - the gall! - give evidence), then you are to repeat those lies and follow them with more lies, designed to try and cover up the first. And as you're drowning in lies - continue to pile them up! Because, really...the audience is stupid anyway, and why give them credit for any common sense?

3. Common courtesy and respect are optional - and preferably, best done without. The only way to make it in this world is to roll your eyes, make faces, and be rude to anyone who you happen to disagree with. And the more exaggerated the gestures, the better!

4. Ethics? Bah. Vastly over-rated. No need for such a thing - particularly if you are an avid believer in rules 1-3. I mean, really. What's the point of having power if you can't use it as you wish? Right?!? Why would anyone ever want to take on such a job if they didn't get the perks like using your office to threaten and/or intimidate people, or to preach from the podium your religion and beliefs? Even better...to have the people pay your large salary while you're busy throwing your tantrums! Rock on!

5. Greed rules. $15 million for copies of official emails is certainly not too much to ask for, right? Pull out the checkbook, baby.

6. Intellectual property does not exist. Repeat after me: DOES NOT EXIST. If you feel like appropriating a creation of someone else's, then by all means...take it. Regardless of how many others have complained - you are more important. Therefore, there is no such thing as anything that does not belong to you in one way or another. Don't listen to them complain - won't get them anywhere. Really. You may stop using their particular piece of property, but only when you find one you like better at the moment. And if anyone does have the guts to complain - ignore, ignore, ignore. Then do it again.

7. Racism is not extinct and will never be extinct. No such thing as character trumping color. Anyone who is not the same as you is not worth your respect or your time. Mentioning lynchings - well, why not?

8. Standing up for your fellow American is old-fashioned and needs to just be brushed under the rug. In fact, if someone denigrates another person in front of you and/or in honor of you - feel superior, be proud, and do not feel the need to defend. You rule, you rock, you are KING (or QUEEN).

So, there you have it. 8 simple rules for our children to learn from this year's Presidential election. Feel free to copy/print them and post them so as to help your children learn them through to the very fiber of their being. Quiz them frequently. Teach them all about "Do as I say, not as I do". Then sit back and watch our country gradually implode.

Makes you proud, does it not?

The Service Is At Noon.

Find your best black suit, gather the band, and let's play a dirge for what once was a beautiful thing - common courtesy. I mean, I'm sure it's absolutely ridiculous to mourn such a silly, old-fashioned idea as treating others as you would like to be treated. Where is the advantage in that? Really, what will it get me?

Here's a prime example. My son got hurt the other night playing with some other boys. It was an accident, though probably one that was unnecessary. After pulling him inside to keep an eye on him (for whatever reason, as he was falling forward, he didn't put out his hands and landed right square on his forehead) and make sure there was no concussion, I went outside to remind the other boys that they need to be careful with their games and how they play so that these kinds of things don't happen. Within 2 minutes of walking back in my door, the mother of the boy who had actually thrown the ball showed up on my doorstep.

Did she come by to apologize for the accident? No. Did she come by to see if my son was ok? Hell No. She came by to defend her son. She wanted to make sure that I knew he "didn't throw the ball too hard". Well, fine and dandy. I never said he did. She knows because she "was watching the whole thing" through her window. Um. Excuse me? You sat there and watched my son bash his brains on the blacktop and didn't even step outside to see if he was ok or needed help? Particularly seeing I was not right within eyeshot at that point and may not have known anything had happened? Instead, you wait until you see me talking to *all* the boys about being careful and then feel the need to step outside to interject into something that is now all taken care of?

Does anyone besides me see what is wrong with this picture? What happened to the days when, if a child started screaming in pain, ALL the parents went running to see whose it was and if they could help? Or if a child got hurt and you happened to be the only one who saw it, you would help them? Or if those options are just too time-consuming, then if you're at my flippin' house in the first place about something that happened...checking to see if a child is ok after what was a serious fall? Oh. No one cares anymore. Because, you know, since there was an accident and my child was involved, you might sue me so I don't give a damn about your child as long as I can defend mine. Against accidents. And mean bitches like you. Who seem to think that accidents happen and that a "Is your child OK?" is just not too damn much to ask for.

I'm ordering a funeral wreath to be placed at the grave site of poor, forgotten common courtesy. While I'm at it, I might order another for our lost friend common sense.