"Why I'd Be a Better VP than Sarah Palin"

I'd like to formally submit myself to replace Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket. I feel confident that John McCain will see that the very attributes he desired in his VP choice can be met, and even exceeded in some areas, by me. For your consideration, my big, fat résumé:

1. Focus on the Family

I am the mother of five children, just like Governor Palin. I have known the demands of managing a full-time career and motherhood at the same time. I have juggled a breast pump and a BlackBerry, and I know when to put the BlackBerry down. (To be perfectly honest, I did once send a text to the baby and tried to nurse my bass player. You learn from your mistakes.)

2. Reproductive Issues

I also believe that a teenager's pregnancy is a "private family matter." In fact, I believe that every woman's pregnancy is a "private, family matter." (I bet the GOP never thought of making that leap!)

3. Church and State

Like the Governor, I now also believe that my will is perfectly aligned with God's will. When Governor Palin said that it was God's will for the Alaska pipeline to be built and asked for people to pray for that to happen, I was really inspired by her confidence in the absolute, seamless integration of her will and God's will. I have begun practicing this kind of supreme confidence on a smaller scale, but I am sure that I can quickly move to national issues. Starting with the sartorial, I know that it is God's will that I have the entire Chanel collection for the fall season, including those adorable high-heeled booties that were all over the runway shows.

(A couple things I'm still having trouble with regarding the will of God: I knew it was God's will that I win the Grammy in 2007 for my last record, but Bob Dylan won. This is clearly the work of Satan, but shouldn't my will/God's will have been strong enough to override that? And this Alaska pipeline--if it is God's will to have the pipeline built, then why isn't it built already? On a related topic, I don't own a single piece of Chanel.)

4. Environment

Along with Governor Palin, I don't believe that humans cause climate change.

(Okay, that is a bold-faced lie, but I've been paying really close attention to the campaign stump speeches, and I feel certain I am allowed a generous allotment of bold-faced lies.)

5. Foreign policy

Here's where I really shine. Governor Palin got her first passport in 2007. I got my first passport in 1970, when the Governor was only 6 years old! Not only do I have a passport, I have actually been outside of the United States, dozens of times. I have had relationships and conversations with real foreigners, in their own countries, in restaurants, shops, flea markets, museums, nightclubs, spas, hotels, all modes of public transportation, and even in their own homes. My foreign policies are fair, inclusive and sensitive to cultural differences. I don't ask for English Breakfast tea when I'm in France. I never call foreign currency "funny money" (even though it does look funny.) I don't shout at people to help them better understand English and, finally, I act on God's will when in Paris by going to Chanel, and to all the great boutiques, which is just an extension of God's will, as you can surely extrapolate by the above explanation of my will/God's will.

I know Governor Palin has one distinct advantage in living so close to Russia, in that she can keep a close eye on nefarious activity across the Bering Strait, but I, too, live very close to a foreign country. Canada is less than 400 miles from my home in New York City, and you never know when it might become necessary to invade a sovereign nation that has not attacked us, as we learned the hard way. Not only that, I have a girlfriend in Austin, Texas, whom I'm going to ask to keep an eye on Mexico.

6. Legal Experience

My understanding of the law is extensive, but here are a couple of cogent points: a photographer who thought I had used his photograph of me without his permission sued me. (I absolutely didn't use the photo without permission. When McCain does his meticulous vetting and background checks on me, I will explain the whole story. It was all a big misunderstanding.)

More importantly, I renegotiated my contract with the Sony Corporation in 1987. That was huge. You should have seen my legal bills. I negotiated an all-new contract with Capitol Records in 1995 and that, too, was an exhausting, contentious, but ultimately lucrative enterprise. Entertainment law is a blood sport, people. (Speaking of blood sports, I have to give it up to the Governor on the hunting issue. I have never shot a wolf from a helicopter, but I have thrown my cat off the bed. Hundreds of times.)

7. Higher Education

Governor Palin went to five different colleges to get her BS in journalism, but none of the colleges had entry requirements, whereas I went to a university that required a trigonometry credit before they would admit me. I had to take it the summer before school started. I don't remember a frigging thing, but I got a B. The other disparities in education are too numerous to mention, but suffice to say that I bet she never met Lee Strasberg.

It is true that I have no background in constitutional law, but I have read the Constitution, except for the amendments that don't have anything to do with me, and I watched the entire John Adams mini-series on HBO. Twice.

8. Ethics

I really think this whole investigation into the firing of the top state law enforcement official in Alaska, who wouldn't fire the state trooper who was mean to the Governor's sister, is just overblown. I once fired my assistant for making a pass at my husband, so I can totally understand this! And I would have fired an assistant who made a pass at my sister's husband, too. I love my sisters. Governor Palin loves her sister. People need to get over it.

But speaking of family, I've also had my fill of no-good boyfriends to my daughters, and boy, do I sympathize with the Governor over this Levi fellow and his MySpace page, with the guns and the cursing. My husband once took a broken chair out into the street to chase away a no-good boyfriend of my oldest daughter, and we didn't see the likes of him anymore. I have a zero-tolerance policy for miscreant youth, and I know I could help the Governor sort out her obviously conflicted feelings about setting limits for teenagers, just for her own peace of mind.

9. Iraq

The Governor says she hasn't "focused" on the war in Iraq, but I think she's just joshing us. No person in an executive position in the government of the United States could be so lazy that they would not familiarize themselves with every angle of what is potentially the greatest American debacle since the nation was founded, including all the terminology, like "Bush Doctrine."

If she's not kidding, then I respectfully submit the hate mail I received in 2003, at the beginning of the war, which came after my press conference with Musicians United To Win Without War, as proof of my "focus."

10. Executive Ability

Governor Palin was the mayor of a real town of 5,000 people. I have never been mayor of anything, but I have performed for crowds bigger than the population of Wasilla, Alaska, and I can tell you it's no picnic getting the monitors just right, working with cranky and egotistical musicians, changing clothes in dirty dressing rooms and eating bad backstage food, handling the hecklers and technical problems during a show, and then getting on the bus to go somewhere else and do it all over again the next night. Also, my last record sold about the population of Wasilla times forty, and they all seemed to like it. But dealing with the public is really difficult and they all have opinions about you, which are usually all wrong, so I've developed a thick skin, another requirement for life as the VP. Lastly, and the importance of this cannot be over-emphasized, the guy's head on the tail of the Alaska Airlines planes looks like my dad.

11. Maverick personality

Finally, there is one subject in which I find I am even more conservative than the Governor, and that is in the area of neo-natal responsibility. The Governor was eight months pregnant and in Texas to give a speech, when her water broke. She reportedly made her speech and then traveled eleven hours, dripping amniotic fluid, bypassing Seattle and Anchorage (major cities with world-class hospitals) to travel to a small hospital in Wasilla that had no neo-natal intensive care unit, and gave birth there. Call me a wimp, call me insecure, but you had better also call me a maverick, because I would have said "Damn the schedule! Damn the speech and the airline ticket!" If this had been me, as soon as my water broke, I'd be at the closest hospital and that baby would have been born in Texas! Just like my mom!

In summation, I present myself to the GOP as a woman, and I repeat, woman, who has held a passport for thirty-eight years, a lip gloss-wearing soccer-volleyball-softball-gymnastics mom of five, who can carry a six-pack home to her husband like nobody's business, whose will is firmly aligned with God's will, a neo-natal conservative and legally savvy public figure, a border-watching, trigonometry-credited, breastfeeding, BlackBerry-tapping, cat-throwing maverick whose daughters are out of their teens, therefore immune to teenage pregnancy (although this is a private, family matter), and whose dad's head (or an eerie facsimile) adorns a state airline.

I could offer more to recommend me to the job of vice president, but one last special quality that I share with Governor Palin is the fact that I also have a husband who wants his state to secede from the Union. Ever since the 2000 election, my husband has been all for the secession of not only New York, but the island of Manhattan! And I have to tell you, if Sarah Palin becomes vice president of the United States, he says we have to personally secede from the whole country. So please, people, write me in on the ballot in November, or write me in New Zealand, where I'll be making my new home.

Rosanne Cash is a singer-songwriter, and even though she has met Presidents Bush and Clinton (who appeared to note her décolletage with great appreciation), the ambassador to the Czech Republic and George Stevens, who produces the Kennedy Center Honors awards show, she does not think her knowledge of world leaders should be held against her, because her experience in Washington is limited to three days during the Million Mom March.

"You're not a jedi yet..."

Who's a wing-nut now?

One reason many people have said they will vote for McBush rather than Obama is because of their religious leanings...whatever they might be. The whole Catholic church is in an uproar over whether taking away abortion rights is more important than the economy, the war, and our foreign policy. Now, for many of us, that is pretty much a no-brainer...while abortion is a choice to be made by one, the others are forced on the many.

So, knowing this - I found it fascinating when I read a report of a 106-year-old nun who plans on voting for the first time since 1952. Yep, the lady last voted for President Eisenhower! Why is this significant? Because this nun, who lives in a convent in Rome (I would have LOVED to see the Pope's face when he heard about this!) is planning on voting for...wait for it...Barack Obama! Once again, this Catholic nun, who lives in a Catholic convent, in the city of the Vatican and the Pope, is voting for an actively pro-choice Presidential nominee. Even better - not only is he against revoking Roe vs. Wade, but he is co-sponsoring a bill that would invalidate any Federal or State law already in place that interferes with a woman's right to have an abortion. Pick a saint...any saint...and according to their religious laws, he or she must be rolling over in the grave right about now.

The nun, Sister Cecilia, says that she is "encouraged by Senator Obama", that he seems to "be a good man with a good private life...". She hopes that a presidency under Obama would bring "peace abroad".

I have to wonder how the Catholic "establishment" will take this particular development. This goes against so much of what they believe - though there are some who are promoting the idea that the economy and the war are a much higher priority than the abortion stance. However, those who are doing so are going against the explicit direction given by the Pope. Those renegades! Those mavericks! Oh, wait - Wrong party...

Poor Sister Cecilia has become such hot news that she is "startled and a bit anguished" by all the attention her position has caused. I sincerely hope that the anguish has not been caused by the extreme believers who have been shocked! Just shocked! that such a personage as a nun in the service of the Lord would espouse voting for a pro-rights proponent.

Brings me back to a question I asked a while ago - if I'm praying McCain and Palin do not win, and my prayers are answered, does that mean that their agenda is in the wrong? I'm guessing that this gentle nun has a much closer line to God than the Wonder Twins (particularly since if you're Catholic, you can't talk to God directly - you need a priest to do it for you).

Oh, never mind. It won't be God's will if they lose. It will be - it must be! - Satan working against them. Because like all extremists, they firmly believe that theirs is the one, the only, way to salvation. God save the wing-nuts!

Point A to Point B - via Russia

Does the woman ever truly answer a question? Is she capable of doing that? I mean really - it's like asking her what 2+2 is and being told that 5+5 = 25, and gee whiz, don'tcha know? *wink*

To which particular incident am I referring this time? When asked by a reporter about the investigation's finding that she had abused her power while in office, her response was "No, and if you read the report you'll see that there was nothing unlawful or unethical about replacing a cabinet member. You gotta read the report, sir.".

Um. I'm thinking he did read the report, or he wouldn't have asked you the question. About abuse of power. Not the firing of Monegan. About abusing your power. Like, trying to get your former brother-in-law fired. Because you were holding a grudge. Oh, and letting your right-hand man, the "first dude"(Are you kidding me?! Blech.), make the phone calls from your office...which certainly seemed to give your tacit approval (*wink, wink*). But of course, there's nothing like plausible deniability (more winking)...well, golly, I wouldn't ever do such a thing! Not lil ole' me...(anymore winking and I'll vomit)...

Seriously. Can someone please just pin her down on something?!? Her real hair color? What the term "maverick" really means to her? How Obama's connection to a radical is any worse than her own, more recent connections and their active support? Hell, I'd be happy with an honest explanation of how she can see Russia from her window...

Ah, well. Maybe she's the one who gave Putin the endangered baby tiger for his birthday. Them being so close and all...

My funny fails me tonight...

You know, sometimes I am ashamed to be called an American. Yes, those are harsh words - but they needed to be said. I love my country - I served in the armed forces for 7 years and am married to a man who has been serving for over 20. I understand that one of the ideals I love so much about my country is the right to free speech. But sometimes, that free speech makes me cringe and fear the future. I will let these statements (direct quotes, all of them) make my point for me.

“In Germany, the Nazis first came for the communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn’t speak up because I was a protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak for me.” - Reverend Martin Niemoeller.

I can’t wait until people like Rev. Write, Ayers, Farakkan, etc will get into power. Nazism will look like a walk in the park. You people can not argue with the facts and that is why all you can resort to is calling me names. Enjoy, your tears will come soon enough.

ANYONE WHO ATTACKS ALEXANDRA IS BECAUSE THEY ARE HIPNOTIZED BY ALL THE OBAMA S_ _T. THIS IS THE MOST RACIST MAN THAT HAS RUN FOR OFFICE. IT’S TRUE THAT HE HATES WHITES AND HE WISHES HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS MOTHER’S WHITE BLOOD IN HIM. HE IS AN ELITIST WHO LOOKS DOWN ON OTHERS AND IF YOU WANT PROOF JUST ASK JESSE JACKSON. I JUST HOPE THERE IS MUCH MORE OUT THERE THAT WILL BE KNOWN BEFORE PEOPLE VOTE. ONE GOOD PLACE TO START WOULD BE WWW.LARRYSINCLAIR.ORG. AND THEN ASK YOURSELVES IF THIS IS THE MAN THAT YOU WANT NEAR THE NUCLEAR BUTTON.

OBAMA WILL DIE, KKK FOREVER,” concludes a Feb. 15 post by “Rodney” to a blog run by a person identified only as Strider333. Above that signoff, Rodney wrote: “The KKK or someone WILL assassinate Obama! If we get a NIGGER President all you NIGGER’s [sic] will think you’ve won and that the WHITE people will have to bow to you[.] FUCK THAT.

Bill O’Reilly said this:

“I don’t want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama unless there’s evidence, hard facts, that say this is how the woman really feels. If that’s how she really feels — that America is a bad country or a flawed nation, whatever — then that’s legit.”

Everyday I hear, Obama is possibly the Anti-Christ

It is a question to ponder without denial of our troubled times as predicted in the Chapters of Revelation.

If by some miracle BO gets to be pres..you will learn the hard way what is in store. How much more proof does one need to know he has a plan, all connected to pastor wright, james h. cone and farrahkan. Ppl would actually take the chance on an unknown muslim? How sick is that?

What century is this again? What is it that compels human beings to such hatred and disregard for other humans? How is it that in this day and age, we are still worried about the color of someone's skin? And the ignorance that is evident - where the hell did these people come from?

Grrr. I like to believe that we are so much better than this - unfortunately, you'd never know it with this election. When you have racists, bigots and idiots all having their indignant fires stoked by two people who want to occupy the highest offices in the land - what message does that send? It's a slippery slope for them to be trekking, and one that does not bode well for our country as a whole.

We all bleed red, folks. It should be character, not skin color, that matters. *This* is why our race is doomed to failure at some point - because we will destroy each other like two rabid dogs vying for supremecy.

McCain lost his pants!

So, today we have McCain "needing" to know the "full extent of" Obama's relationship with William Ayers. Though the full extent of that relationship has been explained repeatedly, the Republican party is feeling a bit desperate and is falling back on their old tactic: fear-mongering. You know - the idea that they are the only ones adequate to protect this country against radicals from the 60's. A specific radical who has served on a couple of non-profit boards (BTW - those generally are *not* the kind of place where terrorism plans are created.) and happens to live in the same neighborhood as Obama. Or, let me put it this way: I know a few jackasses, a couple of whom live in my neighborhood. Does that make me a jackass too?

However, I don't hear a single outcry from McCain and his cronies about Palin's dealings. Let's see...she is in the middle of an investigation regarding inappropriate use (abuse) of power. In this investigation ("Troopergate"), she promised to cooperate fully with the bi-partisan committee (Yep. You read that right. This was no democratic crap-shoot. This came from both parties, fully committed to examining Palin's potential abuse of the Governor's Office.). Up until she was tapped for the VP nomination, that is. Suddenly, the investigation is too political? Politically motivated? Please. This investigation was ongoing long before McCain even thought of Palin as a partner. Now, state employees are afraid to testify, she's denying everything, and using McCain's lawyers to fight it all. What happened to full cooperation? Oh, wait. Those running for the White House are no longer required to follow the same rules as us regular mortals. They are now above the law - including refusing subpeonas. Talk about jackasses.


Then there's the newest issue. Palin is getting ready to become involved in another investigation as to whether her claim for $17,000 in per diem is legitimate, and whether or not she should have paid taxes on that money. See, Palin claimed that while she was home in Wasilla (her workplace is considered Juneau), she should get per diem since "a governor is on call around the clock". Which might technically be true...However, the state will, when requested, consider changing the work area when so much time is spent in another place. Palin never requested this. Instead, she just took the Alaskan taxpayers for $17,000 in "free" money. Could this be yet another reason her tax records were released early? On a day when most people are not paying attention to the news? "Middle-Class Soccer Mom" with an income of $170,000 also claims another $17,000 in per diem as non-income, which the taxpayers of her state are now responsible for. Hm. I'd have issues with that. Can you imagine the fun she would have in the White House? Lord, they'd have to fasten the furnishings down, and keep the vaults under guard when she was around! Her Secret Service name could be "Sticky Fingers"...

Then you have McCain. The big corporations must love that man. When McCain passed around his version of the homeowner bailout, it specifically said that the government would be allowed to buy these bad mortgages at discounted rates (Housing version of Costco?). This would show the declining value, and allow the homeowners to keep their homes. Sounded great - he even included a line that said, "Lenders in these cases must recognize the loss that they’ve already suffered.” (Can you see the glow from his halo?). Here's the problem. When McCain actually submitted his proposal, he took out the part about helping the homeowners. So now, his proposal suggests that the government will buy the mortgages at *face value* rather than the discounted price. If the housing market does not recover, then the homeowners stand to lose even more than if things were just left alone (Oops. So much for that halo.). Even many *conservatives* were upset by this glaring omission (that seems less like an accident than an attempt to deceive). Chalk one up for the idiotic banks that got us into this mess in the first place, and screw you to the homeowners who face losing everything.

So, we have a man who professes to live for this country and the people in it. Who says he's gonna be the man we all want. Who claims to be a "maverick". A man who is once again helping the corporations and not the people. Who may be the cause of many more people losing their homes. A man who picked, as his VP running-mate, a woman who is being investigated for abuse of power. The same woman who is now under suspicion for what amounts to stealing from her own constituents.

And McCain is worrying/preaching fear about someone knowing someone who did something somewhere in the vicinity of 40 years ago? There's a verse in that Bible that Sarah Palin likes to thump: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" (Book of Matthew).

In other words, McCain - When you've lost your pants, it's kind of a waste of energy to be laughing at someone who only has holes in his.

In the "You're kidding, right?"* category...

A judge dismissed a lawsuit against L'Oreal recently from a woman who claimed that her bottle of blonde dye actually turned out to be brown. When she was finished with the coloring process, she was so "traumatized" by being a brunette that she had to go on anti-depressants. She also claims that her new brown hair "ruined her social life" and left her with headaches and anxiety. Ah, but wait. It gets better...She "missed the attention that blondes receive" and so she felt compelled to stay home all the time. When she did leave the house, she had to wear hats to hide her hair.

Damn. I had heard that blondes have more fun, but I had no idea that being a brunette could be so horrifying. That must explain everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. I need to rail at the gods, lock myself in my house and drink myself into a stupor. My life as I know it is now ruined.

Ok, first of all...why was she buying dye? And seriously - if this woman is that upset about being a brunette, then there are far more issues she should be dealing with than the color of her hair. Like - her pride? Her ego? Her stupidity for trying to sue with what seems to be an extremely bogus claim? Oh, wait. She's a blonde. I wonder if she sees the blonde in all those jokes as her hero...someone to look up to...

Makes me wonder...does she have white-out on her computer screen?

Note: No blondes were harmed in the relating of this news story. Nor do I have issues with blondes - I know several very intelligent blondes. This one, however - not so much. She gives blondes everywhere a bad name...

*Quote from my husband when when he heard the story.